Public Diaries (are cool)

For the netizens of neocities, public diaries probably need no introduction. Just a quick skim of the front page can lead you to finding multiple sites that have some form of public diary. Heck, even this site has a (kind of) public diary.

The concept obviously didn’t start on neocities, I’m almost positive that during the internet’s infancy there were people posting about their lives in a diary format somewhere. And even to this day, public diaries continue to and will probably always populate the internet to some extent. And there’s something so incredibly charming about that– people sharing aspects of their lived experience simply for the sake of it. We could be years apart and across the world from each other, but for this quiet moment I'm reading about your weekend plans. It is the epitome of ‘human connection found in the mundane’. And maybe it’s just the diary format, but somehow they give the impression of being more intimate than regular blogging or a social media account.

People will unabashedly ramble about anything (me included), whether it be mental health struggles or simply how their day went. As people pour out their private thoughts, I just can’t help but think about how similar our experiences and emotions can be despite differing situations. Things that I’ve struggled with, and am still struggling with, have been echoed time and time again by randos on the internet. And perhaps it’s just me being parasocial or incredibly socially isolated, but seeing the thoughts of people in my age group is just so… I relate so hard to some of you people it hurts. This is a transitional period for many others, which is incredibly apparent when seeing everyone else try to navigate the direction of their lives and having uncertainties for the future while also dealing with so much shit currently. Everyone is trying to mend together the mess that is their lives, and damn me too. Parallel play.

Something I’ve found strangely comforting recently is reading the diaries of people older than me. For no particular reason other than seeing people who have gone through the slog of young adult life and made it out. Holding down jobs, maybe getting married or maybe not, simply living their mundane lives, having struggles but living nonetheless. And I’ve probably just romanticized it all but a small part of me can’t help but want that too. It’s funny how all my anxieties seem like they’ll just pass me by one day if I live long enough. And I know it’s hard, but there’s so many years left to live. Honestly, I’m thankful to all the people writing public diaries for inadvertently giving me a better mental outlook. We’re all just trying to get through life, hand in unlovable hand.

3/11/24– stardew valley

I’ve been going through a reading slump lately… so instead, sdv has filled the void in my heart.

I’m almost done with Year 1! It’s been a year of rise and grind. I’ve managed to fill out the community center a decent amount. So far, I’ve completed the vault and boiler room. Since it’s winter I’m not really growing anything other than powdermelons. However, I do have 2 chickens (Chonk & Chunk) and 2 cows (Anemone & Calluna). I’ve also got a cat named Nuko! I squish them all everyday.

I would give a little tour of my farm, but honestly it’s still pretty ugly and barren right now, so I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Socially, I haven't interacted with others much (other than Linus and Wizard).

I don’t care for romancing anyone though, my heart is set on Krobus. I REALLLY want him to be my roommate. I’m close to unlocking the sewers,,, pls I want to Krobus to be my friend so badly. Also, I recently came across a mod that lets Krobus wear a pink bow every Wednesday. It's so goofy I love it.

25/9/24– observations on the bus

A collection of random observations made on various bus rides during my commute to and from campus. (little fragments I jotted onto my notes app)

• Yor Forger keychain spotted
• someone is reading The Dragon Republic by R.F. Kuang
• unsuprisingly, there's traffic. I'm going to be late.
• the most popular top color today is black (me included, I have a black hoodie on hehe)
• some guy is playing games on his phone without headphones. so now we can all hear it. why.
• crocs with South Park characters
• at least 4 ppl are wearing glasses (me included)
• The woman in front of me has the habit of pushing her hair behind her ears. A friend from middleschool used to do that too. we don't talk anymore.
• more ppl have been wearing jackets recently. the weather is starting to get slightly chillier, yay fall.
• someone was running after the bus and it actually stopped. I've almost never seen a driver stop for someone running late. nice.
• bear hoodie!! it's fluffy!! it has ears!!!

comforting quotes that float in my head

Yes, I found most of these through pinterest/tumblr. I have no shame.

Mary Oliver

Tropes That I Hate

I’m a halfhearted hater and only capable of lukewarm takes. So obviously there’s exceptions to all my opinions and also I think it matters more if a trope is well-written than the trope itself.

School arcs in fantasy/isekai- if we’re in another world, then I would like to see that world. How will I experience daring adventures and the wonders of fantasy and escapism if we’re stuck in school? Instead, the MC is busy going to class and dealing with petty school squabbles because of spoiled noble children or other bullying-type variants. Not even the appeal of learning about worldbuilding or magic through a school environment is enough to get me super invested.

Secret evil split personality- I’m sorry, but this trope is just so silly to me. Evil edgy characters can already come off as pretty absurd, but add in that ‘secret split personality’ component (occasionally with medically inaccurate DID thrown into the mix) and for some reason I just can’t take it seriously. Like okay Genocide Jack, why don’t we calm down a bit. And while we’re here I also think the secret evil twin trope is goofy as hell (an exception to that is Tsukasa from TBHK)

Cold hearted duke- he never smiles, has a traumatic past, and his muscles are big!! Hate is a strong word here. I’d say it’s more like indifference or a mild dislike. I just can’t quite grasp the appeal of these male leads. Their brooding nature and emotional repression are fine, interesting even, but it starts becoming stale when this character type just becomes oversaturated in the rofan/oi genre. Especially because they're often paired with a more bubbly female lead, and while this character dynamic can be really cute, I usually end up feeling like the ML has the personality of brick wall because the FL is pulling most of the weight.

HaHA this character is a pervert- self explanatory

Bonus: unpopular trope that I don't hate

Crybaby characters- I know other people find characters like Zenitsu from Demon Slayer to be annoying, but personally I don't really mind. They can cry all they want idgaf. Same with Shinji from Evangelion, but in his case I feel like people are too harsh on Shinji. Yeah he's a loser, but he's also 14 and going through a lot of shit, cut him some slack and let him whine… typing this out, I realize my defense for him is verbatim ‘he’s neurodivergent and a minor 🥺’

MadoHomu Ramble

Spoilers for Madoka Magica // this is a bit rough, might edit later idk.

For some reason I was just really in a sappy mood and couldn’t stop thinking about MadoHomu. I feel like these two embody a lot of things I like. Devotion that corrupts. Love and obsession entwined together. God x Devil aesthetic. I would sacrifice the world for you x I would sacrifice myself for the world.

In terms of the anime,, I hab some thoughts. Throughout the loops there are two running constants: (1) Everyone, but most importantly, Madoka will always die, and (2) Homura will always love Madoka. With every loop, every new plan, every awful emotion, all of it, everything is mired by her love for Madoka. And each time, it’s an active decision that Homura makes to go back in time for Madoka. The world has ended over and over again. But who cares? The statement should really be: Madoka has died over and over again. Sometimes in her arms, sometimes by her side, sometimes in the distance where Homura can’t reach her. And really, the destruction of the world means nothing to Homura, because for her, Madoka is the world. There is no future without Madoka, Homura has made sure of this. It’s this hopeless, reckless devotion that festers overtime and completely overtakes Homura. Her love bleeds into obsession and morphs into this mix of infatuation, adoration, desperation, desperation, and desperation.

It’s like that one quote that goes something like “You love her, you do. But it is not enough to save her.” And this is the tragedy. Looping over and over, always knowing the ending but hoping desperately for a different outcome this time. Constantly trying to reach out, to grab hold of a future with Madoka. And all of this because she loves her, she truly does with all her heart. Homura loves Madoka so, so much, but it is never enough.

I think that is why in Rebellion, her decision is completely in character. Homura had fervently tried to save Madoka, but despite all her efforts the end result was not what she wanted. So when given the chance in Rebellion to reach out, to grab Madoka’s hand, of course she took it.

Also, did I create an entire page just so I could write about MadoHomu? maybe…